ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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