Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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