according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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