I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
