Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
