I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
