i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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