I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
