Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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