When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
