Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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