Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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