I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
