I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
