wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
