When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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