It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
