i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When are your genitals available?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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