All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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