I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
