You're so nebulous sometimes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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