He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
