my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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