If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
