They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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