I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sext me about skeletons
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
