i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
