By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
