Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I booty called her while she was in labor.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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