Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
