i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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