Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
