i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
