We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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