omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
