i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
