saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
