I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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