me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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