I accidentally burped into my bong.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
