Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
