i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
