im having a threesome with these popsicles
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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