i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
