wrigley field is MILF paradise
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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