If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
