Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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