this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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