So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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