Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
