Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
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You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
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I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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