When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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