his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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