I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So much rum. So many feels.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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