anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
