i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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