This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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