dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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