WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
