So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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