I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.