My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.