she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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